The nurses at the hospital kept commenting on what a great attitude I was having about everything, like I should write a book on how to cope or something. I'm no expert, that's for sure, and now I know there is so much more grief in life that I was fortunate to be missing out on before. But a gospel perspective definitely helps... when you know that your baby is his spirit and not just his body... when you know where your baby was and where he's gone now and who's watching over him, it's a lot easier to deal with because you know they are fine. Better than fine, I mean who could possibly be a better babysitter than God?!? Just kidding. Sort of. Is it wrong that I can joke about that right now? But seriously, wishing he could stay here with me would be selfish, and by far a more difficult experience for him. Not only that, but I know that he is truly Heavenly Father's child and that I would have just been borrowing him, so I can't feel that anything was stolen from me. I spent the last 4 months hoping and planning and thinking about my future with this baby and now it will take some time to let go of those thoughts and refocus on my new present and future. I can do that.
Friday, December 31, 2010
12/31/10 - Stages of Grief?
My uncle reminded me about the stages of grief... Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Yeah... I went through Denial before the labor, and anger after we got home from the hospital. Bargaining would have been pointless so I must have skipped that one. I guess Depression is next. Let's hurry through that one and get to acceptance, shall we?!? The doctor who delivered Logan gave me some medication I can use for pain that will also help with depression if I need it, but I don't want to be numb. Just like the labor, I think I want to feel it all because this is all I get of him. Still, I know I have a family that needs me and I can't just shut down. This isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to a human being, it's just the worst thing that's happened to me. So far. Boy, where's wood when you need it?!? It's a good thing life doesn't come with a preview like in the movies, or we'd never come to earth and live it. Or maybe it does but we just forget, and we come anyways because we could also see the ways we'd learn and grow after the pain subsides. That's the whole point, isn't it?
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3 comments:
I'm Telima's friend that she said she told you about. My Cora was stillborn 4 1/2 years ago. Your post brought so much back (not in a bad way). Anyway, as per the stages of grief...it's wrong. That particular model was formed in reference people who were diagnosed with a terminal illness and what they go through, it doesn't really help with our type of grief. I wrote a blog post about it.
http://corarei.blogspot.com/2010/04/stages-of-grief.html
Anyway, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I hate that anyone has to go through it, but as you said, the knowledge of the gospel really helps. If you ever want to talk, my email is brcannady (at) gmail (dot) com or you can search for me on facebook (Brittanie Hill Cannady)
(((hugs))) to you.
Thank you... yes actually that post from my uncle was directed to his son and not for my situation but I would LOVE to read your blog and know your thoughts on it. Everyone grieves differently but knowing how someone else got through this can be such an inspiration.
Janisa! What a tower of strength you are! My thoughts and prayers continue in your behalf.
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