We got home from the hospital around dinnertime yesterday, and thank you for sweet angels who bring meals for families in times of need, it was delicious! I keep thinking everything should look and smell and taste differently, but it doesn't. I was grateful for the snow that covered the ground because at least that made it seem like a different world from the one we lived in yesterday... before we discovered that Logan's heart had stopped beating. Paul is hurting like I am but he has been an incredible source of comfort and strength. I just can't say "I love you" enough and I am so blessed to have him in my life. I feel like every song and every poem and every book ever written doesn't have enough expression to hold one ounce of my heartache. So I put down what thoughts I can in this blog because I do my real journaling by hand and I can't write fast enough for the words I need to get out. I feel sorry for anyone reading this!
I always been full of sympathy and heartache for others who have gone through a miscarriage or lost a child or loved one in any other way. I've lost grandparents and friends and distant relatives but this is so much more difficult than anything I imagined. Somehow the strength to put one foot in front of the other appears when I need it... walking out of that hospital and leaving our tiny baby boy behind was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But it has also sharpened and sweetened the good things in my life. I have a lot to be grateful for and at least I know where my baby has gone. So I can be sad for myself for a little while, someday maybe I will get to the point where I'll just be glad to know that he will be waiting for me later.
A friend of mine lost her baby boy yesterday too, around the same time we were saying goodbye to Logan. I am so glad that she got to see him and be with him while his spirit was still on this earth, and that she has his twin brother that may be able to survive and go home with her eventually. But now I know that holds little comfort, there is no easy way to say goodbye to your baby. Their long road is not over although mine is, and I hope and pray for them to have comfort and a happy outcome.
As cruel as it seemed to have to go through an entire labor and delivery even knowing my child was already dead, I consider it a blessing because I was able to hold his tiny perfect body and feel like his mother for a short time. It is just so difficult because the day we found out he had died should have been the day we found out if we were having a boy or a girl. I was sure it was a boy, almost from the beginning, and we were so looking forward to having him in our lives. At least now we know the reason he didn't survive was not because of any genetic or developmental issue, and there is no reason we should not have successful pregnancies and healthy babies in the future. Maybe those hopes and dreams we had for Logan will come to pass with another child in this life, and perhaps some in the life after this with him.
This morning I woke up before dawn to the sound of a newborn crying. I went to check on Berlin but she was fast asleep in her bed. I woke her up, poor thing, so I could hold her in the darkness and enjoy the feeling of her warm body in my arms. As I sat there holding her, I remembered a small part of a dream I'd had just before I woke up... Berlin, older and with long hair, next to a tiny toddler who must have been her sister based on the resemblance. The little girl had short blonde stick-out pigtails and Berlin was sitting next to her holding her hand. I hope that is meant to be something I can live to experience.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment